Hunson And The Ice King On Mars
by Red Witch
Summary: It's been rumored that in the past, the Ice King and the Lord of the Nightosphere carried out many plots and schemes. Unfortunately, this is one of them.


**Hunson sucked the soul out of the disclaimer that I don't own Adventure Time characters. Just a little mad thought running through my mind. It's been inferred in the comics that Ice King and Hunson not only knew each other but came up with a lot of schemes. This is one of them. **

**Hunson And The Ice King On Mars**

On the planet Mars a few hundred years before Finn and Jake were born…

"And now brothers, we shall meditate," A Martian in yellow robes spoke to his four brothers sitting in a circle in a Zen garden. "Link our minds with the oneness of the universe in this sacred garden of meditation. Free from all distractions of the physical world."

"FORE!"

WHUMP!

"What the…?" The Martian spat as a small white ball landed in the middle of the circle and the impact sent sand flying.

"Sorry!" Hunson Abadeer, Lord of the Nightosphere called out as he held a golf club. "My bad! I should have used a three iron!"

He was wearing a yellow polo shirt, brown pants, brown shoes and socks, and an expensive gold watch. He also had a bushy black mustache on his face. "Ugh I hate sand traps," Hunson winced as he walked up to his ball. "Sorry. Playing through."

"What are you doing? This is not a golf course!" The Martian sputtered.

"You're telling me! The greens here are in terrible shape," Hunson grumbled as he prepared to hit the ball with his club. "I tell you the PGA will have a strongly worded letter in the mail about this."

"HELLO BALL!"

WHUMP!

"GOODBYE BALL!"

Another golf ball sailed over the heads of the Martians. The Martians yelled in terror but Hunson wasn't even phased. The ball landed neatly in a nearby urn. "Ah man!" Hunson groaned. "Not another hole in one!"

"Yeah baby!" Ice King whooped. "That's what I'm talking about!"

"The man has dumb luck," Hunson grumbled as his partner in crime approached. "Emphasis on the dumb!"

The Ice King was wearing a black suit with a black shirt, black shoes and a red tie as well as his crown. And a pair of black sunglasses. "And to think I never took up the sport until today!"

"You know if I didn't know you so well I'd say you were cheating," Hunson grumbled. "But you're not smart enough to cheat!"

"Sand trap again?" Ice King looked at the ball. "I told you to use the three iron."

"Yeah, yeah! You were right! So what should I use this time to get myself out of this mess?" Hunson grumbled.

"I'd say…A screwdriver," Ice King thoughtfully analyzed the ball.

"A screwdriver?" Hunson blinked. "Huh. Okay…" He went back to his bag and pulled out a glass. Then he opened up the bag and pulled out some orange juice and another beverage of an alcoholic variety. He mixed them together.

He took a drink and walked back to the ball still holding the unfinished cocktail. With one hand he hit the ball with the club and it sailed into the urn.

"You're right. It worked," Hunson shrugged.

"Told you," Ice King shrugged.

"This is a sacred meditation garden! It is not for playing golf and certainly not for drinking!" The First Martian yelled.

"Hey keep it down buddy," Ice King gave him a look. "You might disturb everybody with your shouting."

"Yeah have a little respect for other people will ya?" Hunson took another drink and looked at his watch. "Hey we gotta get going!" He left the golf club and the bag and took the drink with him.

"Can you believe the nerve of some people?" Ice King asked as they left the gardens. They arrived at a futuristic parking lot with several hover cars parked.

"I know. No one has any manners nowadays," Hunson waved. He stopped by one hover car and tried the door. Found that it was unlocked and opened it. He looked inside. "Dang. No money. Could have used some extra cash."

"Ah forget about that," Ice King waved as they approached a green hover car. "So where are we going anyway?"

"A little restaurant for a little meeting in downtown Mars," Hunson pulled out some keys.

"Is this your car?" Ice King blinked.

"It is for the moment," Hunson shrugged. "I borrowed the keys from…let's just say an acquaintance shall we?"

"So this is another one of your hotshot meetings huh?" Ice King raised an eyebrow.

Hunson took another drink. "That's right. If anyone asks, you're my attorney."

"Well then. As your fake attorney I must advise you not to drive after drinking," Ice King took the keys from his hand. "Or while you are drinking. I will drive for you."

"You? You can't drive! You're crazy!" Hunson scoffed.

"Yeah but I'm the only one who's sober," Ice King reasoned. "And while there is a law against drinking while driving, there's no law against driving while crazy." He got in the driver's side of the vehicle.

"That's true," Hunson got in the passenger's side of the vehicle. "Fine I can concentrate on my drinking. Always good to have a designated driver. Safety first."

SCREEECH! BANG!

The Ice King drove backwards and hit a parked car. He drove forwards and hit another parked car in front of him. Then he pulled out cutting off another vehicle.

"Good man! Good man!" Hunson took a sip of his drink. "I really should learn to drive. How hard could it be? I mean if you can do it…."

"Which side do they drive on the roads here?" Ice King asked as he drove. "Never mind I'll drive on both just to be safe." He swerved back and forth between the two sides.

"Very sensible," Hunson remarked as he took a sip of his cocktail. "Always follow the traffic regulations."

"Better to play it safe," Ice King said as he cut off one car that crashed into a building. "That way we won't have any accidents!"

Twenty minutes and minor pile up on the Martian freeway later…

"Told you I knew a shortcut!" Ice King beamed as he drove the hover car with several dents and dings in it.

"Do me a favor," Hunson groaned as Ice King parked the hover car on the sidewalk. "Try not to embarrass me this time!"

"When did I ever embarrass you?" Ice King blinked as they got out of the hover car and into a large building.

"Yesterday! When you froze all those people in line for the buffet and then got into a fight with one of the entrees," Hunson gave him a look.

"It was a giant squid," Ice King said.

"A dead giant squid," Hunson moaned. "And you still lost to it!"

"It was very heavy and very lifelike," Ice King protested as they made their way to the restaurant. Everything was in reds and yellows in typical Martian décor.

"Just let me do the talking," Hunson said as they sat at a table. "Grimble is a huge player in the Martian Criminal Underground. Actually he's the only main player in the Martian Criminal Underground. The majority of Martians are tediously law abiding."

"So why do we need this guy again?" Ice King asked.

"As I told you eight times already," Hunson sighed. "We need his connections to obtain several rare items for our machinations."

"Ohhh…" Ice King blinked. "What machinations?"

"The evil plans to bring chaos and…Never mind," Hunson sighed. "Just let me handle the business end all right?"

"Okay," Ice King looked around the restaurant. "Fancy place!"

"Yes and that's why I made you change your clothes," Hunson gave him a look. "At least you're not wearing the ratty rags you usually wear."

"What's wrong with my usual clothes?" Ice King blinked.

"Besides the fact that they smell like unwashed yaks in a cheese store?" Hunson groaned. "Here he comes. Just let me talk."

A large Martian with a red outfit and a pointed red hat entered with two other large Martians with similar outfits. "Grimble! How's it going?" Hunson grinned and smiled. "How's it been you old so and so?"

"It was fine before you contacted me," Grimble grumbled as he sat down. "You know you still owe me fifty thousand graybles after that business on Nimbus 7."

"Really? I thought I took care of that? Oh well I'll write you a check," Hunson waved. "Water under the bridge."

"There is no water under the bridge because you blew up the bridge!" Grimble snapped. "In my home town! Remember?"

"Oh right. Well in all fairness that road needed some major repair damage anyway," Hunson waved. "This is the Ice King. Ice King. Grimble."

"Why is **he** here?" Grimble scoffed.

"He's my attorney. What's it to you?" Hunson said sarcastically.

"As your attorney I advise you not to answer that question," Ice King quipped.

"Let's get down to business," Hunson put on his most charming smile.

"Whatever it is you're selling Hunson I'm not interested," Grimble said. "The only reason I came down here besides to collect the money you owed me was to tell you no to your face!"

"Grimble! Grimble! Come on! We've known each other a long time," Hunson smiled.

"Long enough to know better! How stupid do you think I am?" Grimble snapped.

"As your attorney I advise you not to answer the question," Ice King remarked.

"Tell your stooge to shut up," Grimble snarled.

"Stooge? Who are **you** calling a stooge?" Ice King bristled. "I'm the Ice King! Remember it!"

"Because odds are he'll **forget**," Hunson quipped.

A tall silver robot ambled order. "What would you like to eat sirs?" It showed them a holographic menu from its chest.

"Five of everything," Ice King ordered. "You guys want anything?"

"I don't have much of an appetite," Grimble frowned.

"Come on! Relax! Let's do lunch!" Hunson said.

"Yeah Hunson's paying," Ice King nodded.

"What?" Hunson glared at him.

"Oh well in that case…" Grimble shrugged as he looked at the menu.

"I didn't say that!" Hunson snapped.

"As your attorney I advise you to do so," Ice King grinned. "It'll make Grimble stay. Besides you can write it off as a business expense."

Hunson was about to argue but then thought about it. "You're right. Okay fine."

"Not bad for a guy who didn't graduate law school," Ice King said proudly.

"You know if it was anyone else's friend but yours I'd be surprised at that statement," Grimble grumbled. "Me and the boys will have the Martian Platter. Extra Martian sauce."

"As Hunson's attorney I also want extra Martian sauce!" Ice King called out.

"Oh this might have been a mistake," Hunson sighed.

Soon lunch had arrived. Hunson was casually chowing down on a sandwich while the Ice King was eating platters of everything in sight. "You know normally I don't break from my diet but this food is so good!" Ice King licked one of his plates.

"Geeze Hunson where did you dig **this one up?"** Grimble stared at the Ice King eating in distaste. "He seems like he's got an extra bag of nuts in his grocery bag."

"Nuts! That's what this dish is missing! Waiter! More nuts!" Ice King called out.

"Well you are what you eat," Hunson finished his sandwich. "And now that the bribery with food is out of the way why don't you listen to my proposal Grimble?"

"Please tell me it's not something stupid like me giving you some black market power gems stones so you can use them for some kind of cockamamie plan to cause chaos on Earth in that backwater Ooo is it?" Grimble groaned.

"Yeah how'd you know?" Ice King replied with his mouth full.

"I knew this was a waste of my time!" Grimble threw up his arms. "See this is why you're always going to be a small time player Hunson!"

"I'm the Lord of the freaking **Nightosphere,**" Hunson gave him a look. "I'm not exactly a _small time player_ by any stretch of the imagination!"

"Well you sure act like one!" Grimble sneered.

"As your attorney I would take offense at that remark!" Ice King spoke up. "That's slander my good man!"

"Oh shut up you hairy big nosed birdbrain!" Grimble snarled.

"Bird brain? Bird brain?" Ice King snarled.

"Stand down Simon," Hunson motioned.

"Yeah Simon! Stand down!" Ice King barked at Grimble.

"He's talking to you, moron!" Grimble snapped. "Okay I'm out of here. And you still owe me fifty thousand graybles Hunson!"

"Why don't you **chill out?"** Ice King snickered as he froze Grimble's body just as he was about to get up out of his seat. "He he!"

"HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?" Grimble yelled as he tried to move but couldn't.

"You let the boss go!" The two Martian thugs yelled as they pulled out blasters.

"Oh you wanna play huh?" Ice King got up on the table and prepared to fight, scattering dishes and food everywhere. "Let's **dance!"**

The Martian henchmen blasted at the Ice King who dodged by flying in the air. "Hey-ooop!" He cackled as he used his powers to freeze their guns. And their bodies. And half of the restaurant. "HA HA HA!"

"HUNSON! HUNSON LET ME GO!" Grimble tried to break free of the ice but couldn't.

"Well that's one way of getting you to listen to my proposal," Hunson quipped.

"Hunson I swear if you don't call off that freak of yours I can make things very difficult for you!" Grimble yelled. "Do you know who I am?"

"Yeah," Ice King landed. "You're the guy trapped in ice!"

Another round of laser blasts missed the Ice King. "Whoa! Head's up!" Ice King called out as two more thugs appeared from nowhere. He grabbed some knives from a nearby table and threw it at the henchmen.

"You didn't really think I wasn't prepared for you huh?" Grimble snarled as the Ice King tangled with his other henchmen. "That I wouldn't bring back up?"

"Oh I was aware," Hunson smirked as the Ice King made a blizzard over his henchmen, burying them in snow. "That's why I brought **him." **

"As your attorney I advise you to kick his butt!" Ice King said to Hunson.

"Good advice!" Hunson snarled. He then opened up his mouth and head to soul sucking mode.

"Uh oh," Ice King gulped. "That can't be good."

To everyone's horror Hunson sucked out the soul of Grimble and gulped it down. The henchmen managed to break free of their icy prisons out of sheer terror and fled for their lives. So did everyone remaining in the restaurant leaving Hunson and the Ice King.

"What?" Hunson snapped. "I was still hungry!"

"Uh as you're attorney I advise you to run while we can!" Ice King gulped. He looked at a wrecked robot waiter. "Waiter! Put it on his tab!" He pointed at Grimble as he and Hunson ran out.

Thirty minutes and a few more traffic accidents later.

"Okay so I totaled the car! It wasn't ours anyway," Ice King whispered as he and Hunson snuck in the back of a Martian theater.

"Just shut up and lay low," Hunson hissed. "We'll hide out in here for a few hours and after the performance we'll hide among the crowd."

"Okay," Ice King nodded. "Good thing we didn't have to pay."

"It's one of those Martian Interpretive Dance theaters," Hunson told him as several Martian Dancers twirled around on the stage below them. "You'd have to pay the audience to sit through one of these things. Just keep quiet and don't draw attention to yourself."

"And now the Martian Interpretive Dance Company will do their rendition of the Princess of Mars dance," An announcer called out as a female Martian wearing an orange wig, white dress and a crown danced on stage.

"Princess of Mars?!" The Ice King's eyes lit up.

"Uh oh…" Hunson winced.

"Oooh! Princess! Princess! Princess!" Ice King practically drooled as he watched the woman dance around.

"Oh this will not end well…" Hunson sighed as the Ice King flew out of his seat towards the dancer.

"PRINCESS OF MARS! BE MY BRIDE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"I was right," Hunson groaned as mayhem reigned on stage. "On the upside this is a lot more entertaining than the original performance."

Fifty minutes later on the not exactly nice side of Mars in the not the most expensive Martian hotel…

"I have no idea how this went so wrong," Hunson remarked as he peeked out of the window shades. He looked at the Ice King. "I blame you for this!"

"Me? What did I do?" Ice King asked. The hotel room was in shambles and filled with ice and empty alcohol bottles as well as pizza boxes.

"You gave bad advice! You are a terrible attorney!" Hunson snapped. "Not to mention a lousy decorator," He looked around the room.

"You're the one who **ate** the guy," Ice King pointed out. "I just told you to kick his butt. Not eat if for dinner."

"You're the one who attacked that dancer!"

"She was a princess? What was I supposed to do? Respect her space?" Ice King blinked.

"_Right_. What was I **thinking**?" Hunson said sarcastically. "Okay we need a new plan. Sooner or later the authorities on Mars are going to track us down because quite frankly we don't exactly blend in with the population here!"

"Why are we on Mars anyway?" Ice King asked, clearly confused.

"As I have explained many, many, many times before…" Hunson groaned as he sat down on the bed. "We were supposed to make some underworld connections to get some special power gem stones. Of course since we just killed off the only real underworld connection we had it's a moot point."

"Why don't we just steal the gems ourselves?" Ice King asked.

"Because you fool…." Hunson did a double take. "That's…not a bad idea. Congratulations Ice King! One of your brain cells just thawed out!"

"Hooray! I'm contributing!" Ice King cheered.

"Technically it's aiding and abetting but yeah…" Hunson thought. "Now the problem is not finding the gem stones but getting past security. I'm going to have to fester on this. Yes…Fester and plan…"

"Okay we're gonna need more supplies," Ice King remarked before he went out of the room.

"Good idea," Hunson scrambled to get some paper. "AND DON'T FORGET THE PINEAPPLES THIS TIME!"

Some time later…

"All right. Now this plan is coming together," Hunson surveyed the room.

He was wearing a blue football helmet over his head as well as sunglasses and carried a riding crop. There was a makeshift goal post made out of paper in the corner. A stuffed bat was on the ceiling. There were tons of bottles and empty glasses as well as a few broken radios. A few blenders were half full on the table surrounded by fruit. There was a newspaper pile in the corner.

It is worthy to note dear reader that he was also bombed out of his mind.

"Now! Let's run the play one more time!" Hunson picked up a pineapple. "Okay Ice King I want you to run the pass up to…Ice King? Ice King! Where are you, you demented moron?"

"He, he, he…" A giggle came up from under the pile of newspapers.

"Ice King this is no time to be fooling around!" Hunson dragged him out of the newspapers. "What are you doing?"

"Practicing to be a mole!" Ice King hiccupped.

"You poor deluded fool this is no time for playing games," Hunson snapped. "This is serious! I need you to run the pass!"

"Okay where's my bat?" Ice King looked around. He was a little tipsy too.

"Wrong sport you frozen fool," Hunson pushed Simon over. "Now go long and catch it! We need to practice!"

"Okay…" Ice King giggled.

"Go long! Go long!" Hunson called out. He threw the pineapple to the Ice King who caught it.

Unfortunately the Ice King fell out the window. "I'm okay…" He was heard warbling.

"Ice King? Where'd you go?" Hunson staggered to the broken window. He looked out of it. "Quit fooling around in that dumpster and get back up here!"

There was a loud knock at the door. "It's always something isn't it?" Hunson grumbled as he stormed to the door and opened it up. "WHAT?"

"Sir! I'm with hotel security and we've been getting a lot of complaints about the noise…" A Martian in a brown uniform and hat spoke up.

"WHO SENT YOU? WHO SENT YOU?" Hunson grabbed the Martian and threw him to the ground. "WAS IT MY ENEMIES? ARE YOU AN ASSASSIN?"

"No! NO!" The security guard screamed as Hunson started to change into his soul sucking form. "I just work for the hotel! Please don't kill me!"

"Hey! What are you doing to my friend?" Ice King flew in covered in Martian garbage. He started whacking the security guard with a pineapple.

"AAAH! AAAH! YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!" The security guard managed to escape and fled the room.

"I don't think he was an assassin," Hunson frowned as he got up. "If he was he was a bad one."

"I think we've been compro…Compromizzed…" Ice King hiccupped. "We've been found out!"

"You're right," Hunson nodded and looked around furtively. "We need to cover our tracks so no one knows we were here."

Ten minutes later…

"Now we're talking! Now no one will know we were here!" Hunson said proudly as he surveyed the hotel on fire. Even though he ditched the football helmet he still wore the sunglasses.

"As your attorney I usually don't advocate arson but in this case…" Ice King hiccupped.

"AAAAHHH!" The Martians fled the burning building.

"You wanna make smores?" Ice King asked Hunson. "I could go for smores!"

"I think we should just go…" Hunson started to sober up slightly as he heard sirens in the distance.

"I agree. As your attorney I think we should go to the bar! To the bar!" Ice King called out.

"The legal bar?" Hunson blinked.

"No, that bar across the street," Ice King pointed.

"Good idea, I could use a drink…" Hunson groaned. "I think my sobriety is coming back."

Ten more minutes later…

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT GONNA SERVE US?" Hunson was heard roaring from the building. "I DON'T CARE IF THIS ISN'T A BAR! I WANT A DRINK AND I WANT IT NOW!"

"HOW DARE THIS MEDITATION CENTER PRETEND THAT IT IS A BAR?" Ice King howled as snow and ice flew out of the building. "AND HOW CAN YOU DO ANY DECENT MEDITATION WITHOUT SOMETHING TO RELAX YOU ANYWAY?"

"AAAAAHHH!" Several snow covered Martians fled the building.

Hunson and the Ice King staggered out of the building, arms around each other like they were best buddies laughing their heads off. "Did you see their faces…?" Hunson snickered.

"Well they needed to cool off! Get it? Cool off!" Ice King slapped his knee.

"HUNSON ABADEER!"

"Ah great…" Hunson started to sober up a little when he saw Abraham Lincoln, king of Mars arrive with several guards. "Captain Buzzkill…"

"I knew I'd find you eventually," Abraham Lincoln shook his head. "All I had to do was follow the trail of destruction."

"Hey…Abe," Hunson said casually as he pulled away from the Ice King. "How's it going?"

"I've been **better.** What's with the mustache?" Abraham Lincoln asked.

"Trying out a new look," Hunson waved. "So uh. Abe. I can explain…"

"Hold on Hunson! As your attorney I will speak for you!" Ice King put his hands on his lapel. "I'd like to enter a formal plea of habeus corpus! And getting on da bus…"

"YOU'RE NOT REALLY AN ATTORNEY YOU FOOL!" Hunson yelled.

"Oh," Ice King blinked. "Never mind."

"Hunson you swore you'd keep any subordinates in line," Abraham Lincoln glared at him.

"Well technically the Ice King isn't a subordinate so…" Hunson waved. "Still my bad. I admit things got a little out of hand…"

"A **little** out of hand?" Abraham Lincoln snapped. "You caused a riot and destroyed a dance center and a meditation center! You burned down a hotel! You destroyed a restaurant when you went on a rampage and killed someone! And you caused at least twenty crashes on the freeway! Your license to drive is revoked on Mars!"

"That was **him!"** Hunson pointed to the Ice King. "He was the one doing all the driving!"

"Only because you weren't sober," Ice King blinked.

"Not since we banished Magic Man has there been so much destruction, mayhem and just plain insanity on Mars!" Abraham Lincoln snapped. "I'm real disappointed in you Hunson. You promised me you'd behave this time. You let me down man."

"If I may say something…" Ice King spoke up.

"Please don't…" Hunson groaned.

"It was **not** a rampage!" Ice King defended. "It was a minor altercation at one table in a restaurant. Sure a guy got his soul sucked out, dishes were broken, knives were thrown and half the place was iced up but come on! Things happen. Come on! It was just a little thing. Get over it."

"Simon…" Hunson hissed under his breath.

"And it's not like the guy didn't have it coming ya know?" Ice King went on. "He was a gangster! If you ask me, we did you a favor! **You're welcome**!"

"Thank you…**Ice King**," Hunson glared at the Ice King.

"By the way do you have the Princess of Mars' phone number?" Ice King spoke up.

"Hunson…" Abraham Lincoln glared at him as he took out some weird device from his pocket. "Do me a solid and don't ever come back to Mars! And take **him** with you!"

Before they knew it a dimensional portal opened up under them. "Wheeee!" The Ice King cheered as they fell through.

"THIS IS NOT A CARNIVAL RIDE YOU FROZEN FOOL!" Hunson yelled as they fell. "AND YOU CAN FLY!"

"Oh right!" Ice King remembered just in time as the portal ended at a land filled with snow.

While Hunson landed face first in a huge pile of snow, the Ice King landed on his feet. "Snow? Hey I think I live here!" Ice King said cheerfully. "Well that was convenient."

"I can't take you anywhere can I?" Hunson groaned as he lifted his face out of the snowbank, his head covered in snow.

The Ice King looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Ice King…Remember how you wanted to bring one of your penguins and I wouldn't let you?" Hunson grumbled. "Well next time I'll take the penguin and leave **you** behind!"


End file.
